Green light

Sitting in the doctors office waiting for the nurse to firm up our paperwork. I’ll keep this short since I’m typing on my iPhone. Ultrasound of ovaries went well and estrodiol blood work was good, were ready to officially start IVF. In 30 days this will behind us and we will hopefully be celebrating a baby. But I have a long and hard four weeks ahead of me. Shot count jumps from 1 per day to a total of 3. 1 in the morning and 2 at night plus the blood draws every few days. My body will be doped up on hormones and the doctor is adding in a dose of steriods as well, so either stay clear or be patient with me. I’m a bit scared, but mostly excited. Ready to have this all behind us and a baby in our arms.

Here we go…

This morning we completed a ritual we both know all too well. An alcohol wipe, a needle, a pinch of the belly fat, hold my breath, count to three, and the needle is in and out of my skin in just under 3 seconds. With this shot it is official, we’re embarking on our 2nd round of IVF. I was about to write the word ‘final’ instead of the word ‘2nd’ but I stopped myself. Although they say never say never, we feel in our hearts that this will be our final go.

Its been a very long time since I last posted. The miscarriage I experienced in early February rocked me to my core. I exerted a lot of energy getting out of bed, mustering up the happiest face I could and putting one foot in front of the other. I didn’t have much left for writing and honestly, I didn’t have much to say. Our dream was over, our baby was dead and it took me a long while to process and accept  it all. It has been 5 months and I am doing well. There are still so many things that bring the memories of it all flooding back. Like seeing a friend who’s due date was weeks from what ours would have been. I look at her baby bump and realize, mine would have been similar right now. In the past three years, we’ve been through so much and our year is littered with so many memories and milestones. My husband’s birthday in 2010, that was when I told him the news that our FET had been successful. I was pregnant. Fourth of July 2010, that was the day I got the news my betas had dropped, miscarriage. Christmas will always bring back memories of seeing our baby’s heartbeat @ 6 weeks. Early February will always remind me of our 2nd loss. I sometimes feel as though the calendar is like a land mine of bad memory triggers for me. I can only hope this year will be different. That we’ll soon be filling up our memory banks with happy times, instead of devastating blows.

It’s been a year and 3 months since our last IVF cycle. A lot has changed. We’re under the care of a new doctor, at a new clinic. We like her, although like everything in life there are pros and cons to our decision to leave NWRS and join PNWF. I’m on a new medication, and have been since October, to help with my hormone balance. I’m a few pounds (well more like, 10 lbs) heavier, which as much as my jeans’ zippers seem to be protesting, I know the extra weight is good for me and our chances of a successful conception and a healthy baby. I’ve been taking yoga for fertility classes every week, and working hard to practice my poses at night as instructed. And, I’ve been attending my acupuncture sessions religiously each week. However, I think the biggest change is nothing tangible, but something that I’ve worked very hard to cultivate. I enter this cycle a not only a year older, but knowing so much more about myself, feeling stronger in the relationship I have with my husband and now, even more than ever, I know what I want and I have the confidence in my body to make it happen. This is no longer about keeping up our friends or sticking to a timeline. Both of those petty goals have gone out the window. It’s between me and the higher powers. Sheer will or hard work won’t make this happen. I’ve finally accepted that whether I can concieve and carry a baby is not in my control. It is about nature, science and I also believe a bit of luck and chance. All things I can influence, but not control.  But as a wise woman recently shared with me, the only thing I can control in life are my thoughts. So for now, my thoughts are 100% focused on the positive. I am more hopeful and more positive than ever before and I hope in my heart this will work for us.

In the coming weeks our shot per day count will triple. The needles will get longer, the drugs more intense. My days will be filled with dr. appts and lab results. But, I know what to expect this go around. I know the shots won’t last forever. I know the bruises will eventually go away. I know that although 6 weeks seems so far away, that it will go by quicker than I expect. More to come in the coming weeks…I promise.