Getting By

Its been weeks since my last post. I haven’t felt like writing lately. Truth is I haven’t felt like doing much lately. I’m in a certifiable funk. The husband is tied up at work for the next few weeks (or months) which means I find myself on my own every night after work (until 10-11 pm) and then all day on the weekends. This unfortunately, gives me a fair amount of time to feel funky. As much as I am sometimes tempted to do absolutely nothing, I am not that sort of girl so I’ve been doing my absolute best to keep busy on my own…heading to the park to soak up the Saturday sun, painting my toenails on the patio, daily walks with Maggie up and down the hill sweating off the 8-10 extra lbs IVF has left me with, trips to the mall in an effort to spice up the family room and bedroom decor….Truth is, despite these efforts to ‘keep busy’ my mind still wanders to that deep sad place and the realities of all we’ve been through, and all we have ahead of us is impossible for me to escape. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am jealous. I am hurt. These are not emotions that are easily displaced or forgotten.

I think about the months ahead and they seem like a huge hill impossible to climb. It feels like I’ve just run a marathon only to have someone at the finish line say, ‘nope you’re not done yet. keep running.’ I’ve run this long race expecting to celebrate only to find that I have an infinite amount of miles to go. My legs feel like lead and my chest burns  from the exertion. Where is the end?

It’s official

Unfortunately, we got the official results today and I am no longer pregnant. I’ve been instructed to stop the medications immediately which will bring on the bleeding. Over the next few days I’ll be faced with the reality time and time again that our embryo, which for a few days was on its way to becoming a baby, did not survive.  Big sigh. I am doing better mentally with our loss and I believe I have accepted it fully. Our struggle with infertility is unfortunately not over. We’ll need to continue to march on, one foot in front of the other, and I’ll need to muster up the strength to go on.  The good news is that I still have the fight in me and I am not ready to give up.

We’ll sit down with our doctor hopefully in the next few weeks for our ‘complimentary’ cycle review. It will be interesting to hear what he has to say. We’ll take the next month off to regroup and let my body rest. I personally hate ‘resting’ and if I had my way, I’d go head first into another cycle, shots and all. But I know this is for the best and my body needs a break. For the first time in my life, my body was pregnant and even though it was short-lived, I know it needs some time to recover.

I’ll keep you posted in the next few weeks what we decide to do. But know this: this cycle may be over, our ‘baby’ may no longer be, but we’re not done. I am determined to conquer infertility.

Ugh

A week ago yesterday, I got the first sign that this cycle was different. A routine trip to the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning found what could only be described as implantation bleeding. The timing was perfect (10 days past ovulation) and the symptoms were classic. I was elated. I quietly tested with an extra test I had lying around and got my first faint positive test. OMG. I proceeded to test every few days and the line got progressively darker. Finally, on Tuesday of last week, I got a digital test and it registered a clear and resounding, “YES+” I shared the news with the Husband that night. We celebrated.

On Thursday I had my official beta test where the Dr. draws blood to test the amount of the pregnancy hormone, HCG, in your system. In the back of my head I knew I was pregnant, but I was still very anxious for this official result. My research showed average numbers for 9 days past a 5 day transfer (14 days past ovulation) were 100, so I wanted our results to be anything over 100. And guess what? They were! 122. I was soooo happy. I shared the news with my family and the few close friends who have been with us on this journey. I started to let my mind wander to that previously forbidden place of nurseries, and baby names and maternity leave. I took my ‘pre-pregnancy’ measurements so that I could track every exciting detail of my progress. I even started to read pregnancy books, borrowed from a friend. I was FINALLY pregnant and I was going to do this right! I was so happy.

Our follow-up beta was scheduled for Sunday and admittedly, I was nervous. I was very scared for this test, but I kept telling myself i was just being paranoid. That it was okay to be scared since this was such a hard road, but that I should relax and enjoy it. I had no reason to think something had gone wrong. My boobs were still the size of water ballons and no bleeding had started. As I waited for my beta results I did my best to keep busy but I was so anxious. Finally, around 11 am I checked the online patient portal and I was shocked. It had been 73 hours since my last beta test and a healthy pregnancy would require that the numbers at least double and possibly triple. 350 was the number I had in my mind as ‘good’ based on my research. Unfortunately, the number was 99. My HCG reading had declined, not tripled, indicating a ‘chemical pregnancy’ and an imminent miscarriage. The embryo had implanted in the uterus, but failed to properly progress. The nurse called minutes later to tell me the results I already knew. She explained a chemical pregnancy and expressed her sincerest apologies. While they’ll re-test in a few days to confirm, her words are etched in my mind: “I wouldn’t get your hopes up, things do not look good.”

To say I am devastated is a understatment. I alternated between crying and sleeping for most of yesterday. I cannot believe that life can be so cruel to us and can’t help but think that perhaps I’ve done something so wrong in this life to deserve such struggle and pain.

While I know life will go on, at this very moment I am having a pretty darn difficult time putting one foot in front of the other. To think about the road ahead of us is so frustrating. I’ve gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in just one week. This is so unfair.