A Birth Story

I stumbled across this beautiful birth story last night in the blogging universe. It is honest, it is real and it truly touched me. Judging by the 2400+ comments it appears to have touched others as well. I encourage you to find a few minutes of solitude and take the time to read this beautiful birth story here.

Estrogen Check

I am on day 7 of the estrogen patches and thankfully, I haven’t had any side effects thus far. That is besides sticky rectangle remanents on my belly. 3 patch changes. 3 sticky rectangle marks. Despite the negative pregnancy tests, my boobs are still big (DD!). But I don’t think it is because of the estrogen. Although if it is, I know a few friends who want to start wearing patches too.

I’ll go in at 8:15 tomorrow for an ultrasound. Fingers crossed my lining looks good. That will put us in an excellent position for our frozen cycle…

Patiently Waiting

I’ve been in a bit of a funky lately. Work, life, infertility. It all has me feeling a bit down and I find myself craving my comfy pjs, trashy tv and sleep.

I’m currently in a fertility waiting period. Dr. wants me to take a month off while my ovaries and my body recoup after the last IVF cycle. While I am doing this minor estrogen patch experiment, in general not much is happening. After years, months, weeks and days of being fully engaged in fertility treatments it is hard to take a break and relax. I think one of the most difficult realities of infertility is working with the cycles of your body. Most people get 12 chances a year to make a baby. For an infertile working with irregular, medicated or IVF cycles, the chances per year are even less. Tomorrow is the last day of March and I’ve had 1 chance so far. At this rate I’ll get 3-4 opportunities in 2010.

I think it is very easy for the fertile of the world to encourage you to ‘take a break’ or ‘just relax.’ I give 100% to anything I do and I am facing the challenge of infertility with all I got. Taking a break in my mind equates to quitting. I can’t just turn off my desire and determination to have a baby. Even when I am on a break, rest assured that babies, baby making, infertility and pregnancy is on my mind constantly.

There are two timelines we are trying to weigh in this infertility journey — a physical and an emotional. While I know physically I have time being that I am 31, emotionally with every month that goes by and every failed cycle, I get closer and closer to the end of my rope.

Virtual Support

There are thousands upon thousands of blogs out there about infertility and IVF. Earlier in our journey, I started reading them and was immediately turned off. The success stories filled me with jealousy and the failures filled me with despair. At that time I was in such a fragile emotional state, I knew it was in my best interest to turn away and stop reading.

When we began talking about IVF more seriously, I was hungry for more information about the process and found myself stumbling across blogs in my search. In a better place emotionally, I am now able to see these blogs in a new light. These women, whom I’ve never met, have become my virtual support group. Reading about their stories and their feelings help me feel understood.  My own feelings of fear, uncertainty and anger are validated by others and I don’t feel so lonely in my struggles.

I’ve tended to gravitate to blogs written by women who have the ability to see infertility with WAY more humor than I do. Their writing is brutally honest and really funny. Maybe if you Just Relax and Barren Blog are two of my favorites. I admire their strength, appreciate their writing talent and I am happy that both of their stories have resulted in a happy ending. Reading their humorous takes on this crazy world of infertility enables me to giggle through the tears. And sometimes the simple break of a smile is enough to remind myself that despite the challenges, there is a life to live beyond infertility.

I’ve listed a few of my favorite blogs in the sidebar to the  right. Thank you blogging women for your virtual support.

Cycle Review

We had a good meeting today with Dr. Letterie today as a follow-up to our failed IVF cycle. We walked in with an open mind, a hopeful heart and the willingness to do whatever it takes to ensure a better result next round.

The conversation lasted about 40 minutes and we covered quite a bit of ground. We walked in with a suspicion that my lining at 5.65 mm on the day of the retrieval was less than ideal, knowing that this was most likely a factor in our failure. The Dr. was quick to agree that this was a puzzling result given my high levels of estradiol and we spent quite a bit of time discussing this lining issue. Surprisingly ‘thin lining’ is an area of reproductive endocrinology that is very under researched. While there are some options in terms of correction, they are unfortunately limited and much of the process is about trial an error in an effort to gather more information about my body’s response.

While I don’t feel great about this lack of clarity, what I do feel good about is the short-term solution we decided on. I’ve been instructed to take a month off from stimulation/IVF to give my overworked ovaries a much-needed time of recovery. However, we’ll use this month of rest to gather more information about my body’s response to estrogen in prep for our frozen embryo transfer. I’ll begin estrogen patches (on my belly) today and plan to go in next Thursday to check my progress.

Best-case scenario: my body will respond well, my lining will look good and we’ll know how to fix my lining issue for the frozen embryo cycle.

Worst-case scenario: my body does not respond well, my lining remains thin and we’ll all be further puzzled. There aren’t many other options left in terms of lining fixes so if this doesn’t work, I am not sure what’s next.

Whatever the result of this test is, I am happy that we’re facing the issue head on.

Despite the sadness we still feel about our failure, I am happy that we’re moving on.

While I can’t forget what we’ve been through in the past, I’m happy to be looking forward.

The treatment of infertility is a game of odds, trying, even when it looks like there are factors against you, is sometimes the best thing to do. I am happy to be back in the game, trying again.

2pm Meeting

We’re excited to sit down with the Dr. tomorrow for our complimentary cycle review. I am prepared with a list of 10+ questions and I am not leaving that office until I get my answers. 

I’ll post and update tomorrow.

The Period

The slight cramping that gave me hope on Saturday morning was foreshadowing of the news I was to receive that afternoon. I got the pregnancy test news at 1 pm and by 7 pm, my period had arrived. It was as if my body was holding out for the official word that this cycle was over.

I must admit that this month’s friendly visitor comes with new meaning. It is a daily reminder of the embryo that no longer is and the baby that never was.

I bet there are hundreds, if not thousands, of young girls and women out there that breathed a sigh of great relief when their period arrived this month. It is amazing to think I was once on that side of the fence. It is hard to believe that there was a time in my life (noted 11+ years ago) when a positive pregnancy test was unwanted.

It is now the one thing in my life that mysteriously eludes me. It is the one thing in my life, I want the most.

A look back

As we decided what we want to do next, I wanted to take some time and remember and reflect on the road we’ve traveled thus far.

Here is a documentation of our journey over the past 2 years. Although I’ve been keeping detailed notes on each of our cycles, seeing the list of what we’ve gone through all in one place is a crazy reminder of the emotional and physical challenges we’ve faced. 8 medicated cycles. 4 rounds of IUI. 1 round of IVF. I wonder where our story will go from here…

May 19, 2008 — Birth Control Ends. Let Baby Making Begin!

October 20, 2008 — 161 days without a period. In to the Dr. I go for some Provera.

October 31, 2008 — Provera brings on a Period. BBT Tracking Begins.

February 17, 2009 — Sporadic Periods. Back to the Dr. I go.

February 28, 2009 — 1st cycle on meds: Clomid.

March 29, 2009 — 2nd cycle on meds: Clomid.

April 4, 2009 — 1st visit to Reproductive Endocrinologist: Dr. Lynn Davis (SRM)

April 6, 2009 — Hysterosonogram (to look at my uterus & fallopian tubes).

April 10, 2009 — Follow-up Ultrasound to look at uterus

April 11, 2009 — MRI to examine uterus. Septate uterus suspected.

May 10, 2009 — Surgery on uterus.

June 1, 2009 — 3rd cycle on meds: Clomid.

June 29, 2009 — 4th cycle on meds: Clomid.

July 27, 2009 — 5th cycle on meds: Letrozole and 1st round IUI.

August 23, 2009 — 6th cycle on meds: Letrozole + Follistim and 2nd round IUI.

September 18, 2009 — 7th cycle on meds: Letrozole + Follistim + Estrogen and 3rd round IUI.

October 8, 2009 — Acupuncture Begins

October 14, 2009 — 8th cycle on meds: Letrozole + Follistim + Estrogen and 4th round IUI.

December 8, 2009 — Meet with new Reproductive Endocrinologist: Dr. Letterie (NCRS)

December 12, 2009 — Monitor Natural Cycle

January 27, 2010 — Begin IVF Suppression

February 25, 2010 — Begin IVF Cycle

March 6, 2010 — Egg Retrieval, 15 eggs

March 11, 2010 — Day 5 Embryo Transfer, 1 Grade 3-4

March 20, 2010 — Negative HCG Beta. IVF Cycle Failure.

The Next Day

I went to bed early last night with puffy eyes and an awful headache as the 5 hours straight of crying took a toll on my body. I am sad about our failure, but much of the sadness I feel is about our future. I read about people who undergo 3, 4, and even 7 attempts at IVF. Some with sucess, others without it. How far will we go to have a baby?

The Dr. posted some extra notes along with the beta test results late yesterday afternoon on the online patient portal about the state of my lining when it was last checked. On the day of egg retrieval, when it should have been at its highest (9-11 mm), mine was noted as “measurements range from 3.74 to 5.65 mm.” The patient portal is typically updated real time with results and details, so I think the delay of information was very intentional as was brief answer of “looks good” the Dr. provided when we inquired post-surgery. Now, my first instinct is to be upset that she misled me with that response. But at the same time I respect what she was doing. She knew we were committed to doing the transfer, so there was no point in giving us bad news going into it. Positive thinking and hope is what we needed, and in that moment that is what she gave us.

That additional information does serve to provide us with a possible explanation of what went wrong. We’ll know more when we sit down with our Dr. to do our cycle review which I hope to get scheduled this week. The scary thing for me is that it makes no sense why my lining would have gotten thinner (it measured 7mm earlier that week) and be so thin with an estrodiol level in the 4000s. Lots of estrogen was definitely present in my body, it is almost as if my body just doesn’t know how to process it correctly. In all of my research, it seems like this complication maybe one that is difficult, and sometimes, impossible to fix. And, that reality is what has me deathly afraid.

In speaking with my sister again last night about this added information, while she admits that as an OBGYN this level of reproductive endocrinology is out of her league, she also recognizes that this problem with my lining, despite high estrogen levels is a difficult one. Even with the best embryos, without a welcoming uterus, a baby cannot survive. The conversation eventually drifted to our other options including surrogacy and adoption. Both are options I know are there. Both are options I really can’t face right now.

I wish I had a crystal ball and someone could tell me either way, if I will one day be able to carry a baby. I even jokingly told the Husband last night I wanted to see a psychic (he thought I said psychiatrist, should I be offended?!) to get some answers. I would go through 10 IVF cycles and 4000 shots if I knew one day I would be successful. As fearful as I was about all of the shots or the surgery, it is the fear of the unknown that is the worst fear of all.

Day 52: Negative

At 1:00 pm on the nose, we got the call we’d been waiting for. It came earlier than we expected (we were told between 2-5 pm) so we were out on a walk enjoying Lake Washington and the sun. I stopped dead in my tracks on the trail when the phone rang and the familiar 425 number appeared on screen.

“This is blah blah from Northwest Reproductive. I wish I had better news….”

It was in that moment that my throat constricted, my eyes welled with tears and I said: “It’s negative, isn’t it?”

“Yes, yes. I am sorry to tell you, you are not pregnant.”

I don’t remember much more of the conversation. I do remember the tears and sobs that came as I hung up the phone. The Husband was standing next to me and could tell the news immediately. He gracefully put his arm around me and led me to a nearby bench where we sat and cried. I am not sure how long we were there, my guess is about 35-40 minutes. Not too many words were exchanged during that period. Just the occasional “I can’t believe it” or “where did it go wrong?”

The first and only phone calls I made were to my mom and my sister. I could barely choke the words out, “It didn’t work.” They were so sad for us, as were all of our friends. It seems that everyone wanted this for us just as much as we did. Today, we were all collectively disappointed by the news.

It’s funny. I think deep down I new it was negative. As much as I tried to remain positive over the past 10 days, something in my gut told me this wasn’t it. I tried and tried to bury that feeling with lots and lots of positive thoughts. I’d remind myself that the odds were on our side. 65% chance of it working. I’d talk to the Bean (that is what we nicknamed our embryo) everyday and rub my belly, but somehow I knew the Bean wasn’t there talking back. The fact that I was scared and not excited to test, was further proof of my doubt.

But regardless of this intuition, I still held out hope and the news still managed to hit me like a ton of bricks. I am devastated. I never thought it was possible to feel this much pain and disappointment. My mind continues to race with thoughts of what happened, what went wrong, what will happen next. My heart continues to grieve for what could have been. My eyes can’t seem to stop with the tears.

But despite the pain and sorrow we feel today, I know that life will go on. I know that tomorrow will be a new day. I know that we will try again.

I know that some day I will be a mother.